Toxic is a Broad Definition

As mentioned, I've got some cats. These cats destroy any plants I bring into the house. I would love to have a house full of plants, but I'd have to choose between the felines and the chlorophyl, and I guess I've already made that decision.

But, I once had a roommate who was really good with both cats and plants, and she had a terrarium full of plants. This allowed us to have greenery without its constant destruction. She also tended to keep her door shut, so in general, her room was a cat free zone, and therefore she could have some non-caged plants.

One day I was visiting a friend who lived in the middle of nowhere Nevada. The town closest to her house boasted a population of 22 people, and the day I was there, they were having a community yard sale.

This yard sale brought in the people who didn't just live in town, and I stopped at a folding table run by a woman who hadn't changed her hairstyle since at least the 1980's. She was selling two things: Hustler magazines from the 1970's and spider plants and cactus in an assortment of dinged enamel cups and cracked terracotta pots.

"These were my dads," she explained, gesturing to the porn. "He died, and I'm cleaning out his cabin. It was more like a shack."

"I see," I said, not looking at the magazines.

"He had all these plants too," she added.

Knowing my roommate had a plant safe zone. I bought a spider plant in an abused enamel mug.

"I'll throw a magazine if you buy another plant," she said.

I declined.

When I got home, I gave my roommate the plant, and she was pretty excited about it. It went into her room, door closed.

A few weeks later, I came home, and the house felt off. I knew my roommate was home, but I didn't hear her, despite living in a 600 square foot house with her. I walked to her door, which was off the kitchen. The calico cat sat on the fridge, primed to swat at anyone accessing the door.

"Hey, you home?" I asked.

My roommate's door opened a crack, and she glanced at the top of the fridge. The calico readied to strike. Ducking, she dipped out the door, avoided the cat, but wasn't fast enough to pull the door shut before the cat was off the fridge and in the room.

"NOOO!" my roommate cried.

The cat went under the bed, and we couldn't get her out without extreme pain, so we left the door open, and my roommate told me the story.

"I had my door open," she said. "And I was allowing the cats in there, if they were good. Well, the grey cat came and was fine.."

This was classic grey cat behavior, he's not the smartest or most motivated.

"...but the calico was in here, and I lost track of her for a minute. Then I turned around and she had the entire spider plant out of its mug, and she dragged it under the bed and ate it. When she came out, I decided that it was time to enforce the rules, and I sprayed her in the face with the squirt bottle."

I looked at the squirt bottle, which I'd bought for this purpose, but we hadn't really used. It lay tipped over on the floor.

"She took off out of the room, and has been on top of the fridge, lobbing claw shots at me since."

"And now she's under the bed..." I said. "Did she eat the whole spider plant?"

"Oh, it's gone."

And when you look up spider plants online, they say they are toxic to cats, but if you dig a little deeper, you also learn that it makes them trip. Like, they get super high. Which I guess is a version of being toxic. But not the kind that makes you dead.

Eventually the cat came out, and things seemed to go back to normal. Then a few weeks later, my roommate let out a broken noise from her room, and I went to see what was going on.

She had disassembled the stuff that was under her bed. She was on her knees and held a mangled bra.

"What's happening?" I asked.

"This is, was, my favorite bra. It's been missing for weeks, actually, since the spider plant episode..."

I looked at the bra. It was covered in calico hairs and totally smashed. Maybe it would work again, but as a shaped garment, the prognosis was bad.

"I found a nest under the bed made of my climbing rope. It's covered in white cat fur. At the center of the nest was my favorite bra. It has teeth marks in it!"

And so, the war of the spray bottle ended. It was no longer used and spider plants were no longer kept in the house. The bra was destroyed.

They talk about how animals with a higher level of self awareness are also the ones to hold a grudge.

At least she's cute and cuddly. Assuming you don't piss her off.